P!nk- Sober

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at four o’clock in the morning
‘Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

The facade. It hurts. Pulls at my face until I can’t stand the pain any longer. I push through and tell myself that I can’t crumble… I can’t break… the show must go on so that no one will know what is going on inside my tormented brain. 

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That’s not the way I want my story to end
I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I can’t do this anymore. I push and fight, scratch and claw, anything to just give up this act. To finally let the pain out, but the pain is all consuming. It has been around for so long that I no longer know what life would be like without it. Numb.

I don’t wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence…
The quiet scares me ‘cause it screams the truth
Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation
When I won’t remember, save your breath, ‘cause what’s the use?

Pushing on until I can no longer stand the act anymore. I keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to think or feel. Silence scares me so I fill it. Constantly. Enjoying the feeling of music pounding at my eardrums, invading my thoughts and leaving room for nothing else.

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, “come and play”
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I’m the only one to blame

Never again. That is what I told myself. And yet I have told myself that so many times. Never again. Never again. But I want to. I long to. To just give up and let it all go. To rid myself of this feeling, of the guilt, of the pain. Anything to just be done. The sounds of my own retching reach my ears as if from a distance, it’s like I’m not me anymore.

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

The first week is the easiest. Before I forget what it feels like to screw up, when I still remember just how much I never want to screw up again. In that week I am safe. Cocooned in my own resolve.

I’m comin’ down
Comin’ down
Comin’ down
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Looking for myself.. Sober

But then time passes as it is wont to do and I start to get the itch again. Like an addict, all I can think about is my fix. I am terrified of eating, terrified of doing anything that might set me over the edge. The dreams return and the urge to do something… anything consumes me.

Comin’ down
Comin’ down
Comin’ down
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Floating in space. That is what this part feels like. The completely disembodied feeling of staying strong against all experience screaming failure. I hang on, convinced that if I can just get past this part in my recovery I will never feel the pain of the struggle again.

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good, ‘till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

And then I slipped up… again. Fuck I can’t keep doing this. It had been so good. But then it just hit me like a ton of bricks. The urge. I gave in before I even thought about what I was doing and ended up hating myself even more for my own short comings. 

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Is there any way that this will get better? The urge never truly goes away, it is always there. Always in the back of my mind and I have become convinced that I will never be without the desire niggling at me, always pushing me toward failure.

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

But failure will kill me. The slowest most painful death ever. Which is why I must take control and resist. I’m safe… as long as I don’t give in… up high… away from the things that tempt me… nothing can touch me… recovery…

How do I feel this good sober?

No pain… nothing… just the simple determination of recovery.

Linkin Park - Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation 
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown 
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now 
you were there impossibly alone. 

My insides feel torn apart. Torn in two and the halves of me are at war with each other. Recovery or the comfortably well known. The the known will kill me and so I press forward into the unknown, praying that someone… something… anything will save me, but the feeling of being alone is all consuming, there is no escape.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation 
you build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known 
remember all the sadness and frustration 
and let it go, let it go. 

I hang my head. I didn’t screw up but the constant thoughts are starting to really get to me. My mind is such a dark and scary place right now that I have no idea how to let it go, only the knowledge that I must…

And in the burst of light that blinded every angel 
as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars 
you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space 
no one there to catch you in their arms 

Telling. The lie cannot continue, but the fear is all consuming. What if they don’t understand? What if they think I am lying? What if what if what if? The questions beat at my skull until I am sick with them. And then the dreaded question spoken by another… then why aren’t you thin?

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation 
you build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known 
remember all the sadness and frustration 
and let it go, let it go. 

Time passes. The question fades. Support is offered and I sink into it like a warm bath, reveling in the soothing feeling. Apologies are offered. Nothing changes, but everything is changed. Just knowing that there is someone behind me this time makes me feel like I can do it, lets me know that I can do it.

Fireflight - What I’ve Overcome

I’ve got this passion
It’s something I can’t describe
It’s so electric
It’s like I’ve just come alive

I wake up. It sounds cliche, but it’s true. Colors are becoming bright again. Not everyone understands all of my coping mechanisms, but the point is that there are coping mechanisms. I have changed, I am changing, the darkness is fading.

I feel this freedom 
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I’ve found the meaning of grace

Recovery. Who knew it could be this liberating? Not easy, never easy, but liberating. Liberating know that I can eat without fear of breaking. I can relax some. And even when I eat too much I can rest in the knowledge that there are those who will hold me and save me from myself.

If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You’d see a broken heart
You’d see the battle scars

A permanent reminder. Some of those who support me don’t understand, but it isn’t there for them to understand. It is there to remind me of where I’ve been. Where my yesterdays had taken me and where I never want to go again. 

Funny how words can’t explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I’m not what I have done
I’m what I’ve overcome

The dreams still plague me, but less than before. The cuts and bruises begin to fade leaving behind nothing but scars. The same happens in my heart and in my mind. I heal and the healing feels like nothing I have ever experienced before.

I know I’ll stumble
I know I’ll still face defeat
These second chances will define me

This is my millionth chance. Five years of trying and I’m finally doing it. I know it won’t be easy, it never has been, but I won’t give up. I can’t give up. I’m moving forward. Growing up. 

So I’m moving forward
I’m standing on my two feet
I’ve got momentum
I’ve got someone saving me

Growing up. Casting away the child. I used to hate when my sister told me that I didn’t have any life experience… now I wish I could go back there. Back to a time when I didn’t know how much life could hurt. But I do know and that is something you can’t erase. 

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You’d see a broken heart
You’d see the battle scars

Battle scars aren’t only embedded in the skin, they infect the mind and soul as well. But the end result is someone with a story. Someone with a ministry, a testimony. Someone who has seen darkness and rather than giving up walks toward the light and helps those along the way. 

Funny how words can’t explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I’m not what I have done
I’m what I’ve overcome

I never thought I could help someone else, but I am learning that my testimony can help others heal. I use the wisdom I have gained through my experiences to help others pull themselves from the own darkness. 

I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won’t break
I’ve got someone saving me

I live in fear that I will do more harm than good. How can I help someone when I don’t know how to help myself most of the time. But I’ve got people saving me so I will continue to save those that I can.

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You’d see a broken heart
You’d see the battle scars

Through my stories I will tell of how I used to be, I will tell of the change inside of me. I’ll tell about my broken heart and show my battle scars. And through the telling I will heal. I will recover, and hopefully heal all the hurts of the past five years.

Funny how words can’t explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I’m not what I have done
I’m what I’ve overcome
I’m what I’ve overcome
I’m what I’ve overcome

I’m not what I have done… I am what I have overcome. That is the lesson it took for me to learn how to let it go.